I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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