chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
