also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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