So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
