well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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