I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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