The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
