So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
