My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Randomize
