If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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