I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I could fuck to npr.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Randomize
