I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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