Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
