I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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