If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Alive.
So much puke
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
