Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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