Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
