Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
