Pappa wants mamma naked
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
my god I love twenty year old dicks
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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