I love black thongs
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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