I wish my penis had an off switch
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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