my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
