you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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