Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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