Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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