yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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