News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
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