That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
i am craving dick and cupcakes
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
