Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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