my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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