I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
