I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
