but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
