i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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