That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
