she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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