I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
