but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
