Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
