oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
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