Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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