Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
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I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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