Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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