I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
