I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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