just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
