Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
These tits shall not be calmed
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
