I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
did i walk over a car last night?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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