dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
