Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
