the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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