Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
