I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
