Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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