Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
