if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
