i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
The uberlube is also flammable
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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