I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
